Are you in a relationship with someone who suffers from an anxiety disorder?
On average, current studies suggest that 1 in every 4 adults suffer from anxiety.
While some people can afford help with this disorder, some of us suffer in silence because we either have another disorder that disables us from being able to get help or we cannot afford medical help for this disorder.
While anxiety is very difficult for the individual suffering it can also be difficult for the spouse of a person struggling with an anxiety disorder. In a relationship, anxiety often leaves the sufferer feeling inadequate, full of self-doubt and worth, and typically a lot of worrisome thoughts and overwhelming fear.
Remember, it’s NOT your job to fix them. That won’t happen. But you can be a very important and strong support system for them. You can help empower and motivate them, encouraging them to get better and get all the help they can get. Your job is to help them through it. Be by their side and do it with them, without judging them on the days they can’t or need a break.
Below are 8 things you need to know and understand if your partner suffers from an anxiety disorder.
1) LEARN ABOUT ANXIETY
Not knowing about anxiety and how it affects your partner will always lead to some anger, guilt, confusion, and frustration (on both sides) of the relationship.
If you’re reading this article, I can only assume you either suffer from anxiety or you’re trying to understand what your partner is going through. Which is a great first step!
Learn all you can about your partner’s specific anxiety order. For example, I suffer from severe anxiety, agoraphobia, and PTSD. Some people suffer from generalized anxiety disorder or social anxiety where they cannot be in large crowds of people.
What is their specific form(s) of anxiety, and what symptoms should I expect to see? What can you do to help them during times of anxiousness? How can you help them manage it?
Although you cannot imagine how it feels to have an anxiety or panic attack or suffer from debilitating anxiety, you can learn how to support them!
2) LEARN THE TRIGGERS OF YOUR PARTNER
In most cases of anxiety, the sufferer will have one or more triggers.
Some people don’t like to talk about their triggers, or physically cannot talk about them. Anxiety triggers vary from person to person. While some have changing triggers, others have only one, or none at all.
One of the most important steps in helping your partner manage their triggers is learning to identify them.
Don’t ask them to get in a car with you if they’re anxious in cars. Don’t invite them to a large party if they have social anxiety and don’t do well with crowds.
Always have a healthy snack on hand like almonds, fruit, turkey, and/or water. In some people, low blood sugar can trigger anxiety, snacks help you keep your partner’s blood sugar stable.
Encourage your partner to weed out toxic people in their life, and find a new job if their current one is stressing them out. If you’re noticing their current position is continually triggering them, a new job can help lower their anxiety episodes.
When you truly love someone, you are willing to accept your partner and make some changes for the benefit of the partner and relationship. This is not saying that you should change your entire being for them, not at all. It just means that you compromise and let them know, “I love you, and I am here to help in any way that I can.”
3) DON’T MAKE THEM FEEL DAMAGED OR ASHAMED
Trust me, they already feel damaged and ashamed enough just being who they are.
On any given day, a person who suffers from anxiety has hundreds of thoughts about how worthless and useless they are. How they will never get better and don’t deserve to be happy, or can never make anyone happy. These thoughts are usually backed by failed relationships and friendships.
Anxiety has a way of making someone feel unlovable and unworthy because they’re anxious. If you truly want to be with this person, try being very kind with them and say something like, “I am not going anywhere, and we’re going to get through this together.” Seriously, copy and paste that in your phone and send it to your cuddle pie. It won’t be weird or anything! Well, okay it might be for a moment, but I promise they will love it and appreciate it. The amount of comfort it will give them is priceless.
4) Recognize they will be sick
Anxiety takes on a lot of physical symptoms. For some people, it’s worse than others. For example, I get very nauseous and throw up for hours a day. My back gets stiff, I see stars sometimes, and I get bad headaches. I also get very bad digestive issues, horrible acid reflux, and a host of other physical symptoms. It’s important to remember that your partner can show physical symptoms from their anxiety and they’re not faking it. Depending upon how your partner feels when they’re going through physical symptoms of anxiety, they may want space or may want to be held or touched. It’s important to ask them so you know what to do when your partner is going through an anxious moment. For instance, I enjoy space being given to me, but after a few minutes, I like my back rubbed or to be held. Be sure to ask.
5) You will never fully understand
As much as you want to understand, most people with anxiety are entirely too scared to ever let someone in deep enough to tell them everything they go through. Especially when the anxiety sufferer knows that their thoughts are absurd and unreal. They already know that what they’re thinking and feeling makes no sense to normal people, so we’re scared to let anyone else in on how we feel and think. It makes an anxious person feel entirely too vulnerable. It’s okay that you don’t fully understand, but it will help to let your partner know that you want to understand and that you’re open to listening anytime they want to tell you and let you in. You can also suggest they write it down in a document or letter if that makes them feel more comfortable to let you in.
6) It’s okay to offer support
Supporting your partner is okay, and providing validation is alright too. There’s nothing wrong with allowing him to be nervous about something that they’re afraid of, but don’t enable him or her. If they’re afraid of cars after a bad accident, don’t just drive them everywhere. Try to get them into the car with you, and let them know you’re by their side and you support them. Remind them of how strong they are and that you guys will take it slow. Baby steps together is a great way to get your partners trust and confidence.
7) They don’t mean to annoy you
As much as you may get annoyed by them, they don’t mean to annoy you. They’re not trying to upset you or frustrate you when they ask questions, ask for you to talk to them, ask for you to just be there for them, etc. I know for myself when my anxiety is bad sometimes, I need reassurance. I will say “I love you” twice in an hour because that reassurance of the “I love you too” makes me feel better. I want to hear your voice or be on video chat because it makes me feel close to you, to feel safe. But don’t ever think that I don’t know it annoys you.
Those of us who suffer from anxiety, especially us who suffer severely, are already at wars within our head. One part of us wants reassurance, the other part knows we’re annoying you, and it tears us up inside. We end up just hating ourselves more for needing the reassurance in the first place. Please keep in mind, however, they’re not trying to annoy you and they’re trying not to. Often we will not do the things that will help us feel better because we’re concerned about annoying our partner. We don’t want to be a burden and sometimes we can be emotional from our anxiety which annoys people. Keep an open heart and mind if possible.
8) Ask
Ask what might make your cuddle bear feel better. Ask them what you can do to help them feel better or make them feel at ease. Sometimes, simply asking can do the trick. Be open and if you can tell them a time when you were anxious so they can relate. Times that by 20x and that’s probably what your partner is going through. But at least let them in, may help them let you in.
Sometimes, it’s more than enough to just know your partner cares because they asked you what they can do for you or how you are. Just make sure you follow that up with listening. Don’t ignore what they’re telling you or sit on your phone while they open up. If they’re letting themselves be vulnerable with you, pay attention so you know in the future what will help, and ask follow up questions to ensure they know you’re listening and that you care.